Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Down but not out

 Histerical picture:
Sister Shirl hanging cousin Bobby, me and Guy Abee on the clothes line in our back yard,1953. That is the school Gym behind us. That is how far I had to walk to school!

Tonight I am a little down. That is very unusual for me.  I was born ‘positive and upbeat’. There are things I should be doing. I have two books in the oven and cannot get to them. Each time I must go back and reread everything I have written and still cannot find the handle. All my fans (both of them) keep asking when the next book will come out!

Sherry and I have dealt with dementia, but for an obvious reason caring for a loving mother who was SWEET until death was different. I think I have said it here before, but here it is again. When the Dr. told our family mama needed to be in a nursing home I (the baby of the family) spoke up, “My mama will never go to a nursing home!”

It is along story, but I interfered in a major way in two families. I was wrong. My mama should have went to a nursing home. But if you had been in the nursing homes I had been in, you might understand my IGNORANCE.

This time it is different. It is an older sister. Where mama was malleable, sister is not. In dementia cases there comes a time when one must do things that turn some stomachs. Cleaning vomit, missed toilets and cleaning ‘bottoms’. I can handle those things with not even a bat of the eye. 

It is the refusal to allow ‘fixing’ those things and even trying to hide and deny the OBVIOUS, that hurts. 

I am deaf.  I am deaf because I have my implant devices off and in the little ‘Ultraviolet cooker’ where they sleep  every night.  Right now, if there was a jet engine next door I would not know it. I might FEEL the vibrations, but I would not hear it. 
Ever read “Sean of the South?”  If not, you should. He writes 99% about people, not himself. I read him daily, sorta like a devotion.

I wish I could do that! Me? I write about me mostly.  It isn’t my ego (I don’t think), it is that I know me better than I know others.

So sitting here deaf, having just missed a dear friend’s memorial service who died of ‘Lewy Body Dementia’, I am sorta down. I missed it due partially to a ‘dementia related accident’. Judy was my age and also married 61 years, as Sherry & I.

I sit here being thankful I still have Sherry. I just tucked her in, and I sang, “I am so glad you came into my life,” then she joined me with, “Thank you Baby!”
YES, I am now totally deaf, but I am thankful when I attach my Cochlear implants in the morning. I will hear.

Today I drove past a few houses I built, two in which we have lived. I can see my girl now in bed. She always reads herself to sleep. We are parked behind Shirl. Her bedroom is bigger than this motor home. I built the house for us, but I prefer having my beautiful wife near me. I get many more kisses in 325 sq ft than I did in 2800sqft. So even though I am down, I have too much for which to be thankful, to stay down. Tomorrow will come. Thanks for listening.
Nite Shipslog


Rick Watson said...

Hey Jack, it’s easy to get down when you’re up against the wall. I wish I had words of encouragement that would lift you up but I’m not good with those. Just know this, there are people like me that care for you, your lovely wife, and the things you do.
Take care my friend.

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Yes, you do have much to be thankful for and that is what will keep you going. We all have our down times, but it's when we count our blessings that we see just how good life really is. Right now is not the best of times, but you've one who will make the best of things. Hang in there ! Remember it's when things get tough, that the tough get going. You all are in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs from Ohio.

Mevely317 said...

Oh Jack. My heart hurts for you and Sherry.
Remembering and regretting (that) I hadn't the wisdom to care for my own mother. Reminds me of the title of a long-ago loved book, "Tears are for the Living."

Your two books waiting in the wings? When my world sort of fell apart in 2013, I found it extraordinarily difficult to focus. Even reading - which had been a passion - became a chore. Don't rush your muse!

Yes, Sean of the South is the first thing I read every morning. You're right; many days it's like a devotional.

Love from Coosada!

betty said...

Its hard not to get down when dealing with the things you and Sherry are dealing with. Dementia robs so much from so many and not "just" the person affected with it. Do what you can and let go what you can't. Above all else, as I'm sure you and Sherry are figuring out, take care of both of you because if you aren't doing "okay" you won't be able to help those who depend on you to help. Keeping you all in my prayers.


Rain said...

Oh Jack, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I felt the pain in your words actually. :( Lucky that you have your gal, besides health, love and companionship are the most important things in the world in my opinion. Take care!

Chatty Crone said...

You know when I read it it sounded like you were talking to yourself - thinking back about your mother and what to do now. Being grateful that Sherry is there and well. Pondering about life and what to do. Well don't be too hard on yourself. I think it is normal to be in a state of flux write now - your world has been shaken up and put down and all the pieces falling in around you.

Jean said...

I think of you and Sherry often. I and only me took care of Grover up until he passed away (most of my children lives in other states) I made it fairly well until he got to where he couldn’t walk a few weeks before he passed. He had suffered with dementia for several years sometimes he was himself and others he was not so. It is one of the hardest thing to have to go through. I feel your pain. It hurts to hear this is happen to Shirl and your family. Love you guys.

Lisa said...

Reading this makes me sad that your down. We all have sad, depressed and bitter days. We have days we do not feel good. We have days that it seems the world is falling in on us. I know your circumstances may be way beyond any of that but you and Sherry are going through a storm right now. THere is always sunshine and peace after a strom.

You and Sherry have a strong foundation so keep leaning on each other as you make the right choices along the way. Hang in there. This day too shall pass.

Hugs from Gtown.

Paula said...

Don't feel guilty for feeling down. we're already going through the kids fighting over money faze. I stay out of that and doling out his medicine. At least I'm thankful for that.

Glenda said...

OH Jack, I looked for you for days and nuthin'....OMG sorry I gave up thinking you'd really be back; to read this takes me down a wrong road as you know. I LOVE you and my big Sistah Sherry more than banana pudding cake :( I wish for you some respite, ya have to take a break, I'm telling you. Been there, done that. PLEASE let me run up there when the contractor gets my soffit fixed and I funigate, have to be gone for five days. I'll be homeless and will make a bed in my SUV, got a twin air mattress I am no longer certified by the state of FL as I "retired", however am purdy certain I can manage Shirl while you two take a break, go to the mountains or the coast, OKAY???